Job interview

The 250 Job Interview Questions You'll Most Likely Be Asked I  went to an interview dressed really nice my hair was was looking good too. The problem I had was  that since I have been in the states long and all that other stuff going on in m y life I didn't have dress shoes. I wore what I had which were  my tennis shoes. I have some crocs too but I know good and well that would not  go over well. This lady decides she is not going to interview me because of my shoes. I had to get somebody to give me a ride over there. I couldn't come back another day. I said to the lady look my Mom just died and I don't have a car right  now. I know tennis shoes are not professional dress. I told her I could go outside right now and by some shoes. She went on and checked  my paper work and of course found flaws. When I can back to her desk again she had problems with every answer I had then she said. Your giving me red flags every where. I will give you this job because I feel sorry for you. Now she made it like she was doing me a favor and I should be grateful. Then when it came to for the final paper work she picked somebody else  when I was next so she wouldn't have to deal with  me.  Now if tennis shoes are not professional  than telling someone you are only hiring them because she felt sorry for them goes way over the line.

2 weeks later

Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief Tomorrow will make two weeks from the accident. We had the funeral on Oct 30th. It was just so surreal. I saw a lot of people I knew in the church and a lot of people I didn't. I seen some people that I haven't seen in years. I thought it was really bright in the church. I guess the expression on my face was grim maybe resolved I wanted to get this over. I was doing pretty good until I looked at her coffin. I was just thinking about her being in there with her burned body. I started to cry but then stopped myself because I didn't want to cry.

Service started I thought it was pretty good. Some of her friends and people she knew spoke about her. Someone of it was funny but true. Preachers pretty much said it was God's will or something like that. I took no comfort in that. I couldn't rejoice about the good memories because  the last image just haunted me that is all I could think about. I was talking with her in the car and then a crash she fell over to the side right on  me with her eyes open so I saw her lifeless body and it had touched me. I can't get that out of my head. When I close my eyes  it is there and I don't sleep much even with sleeping pills.

No one can really know how I feel to witness life and death in a minute. I think it would have been a lot better for me if I had not been there and had to see it. I have to live with that. It's not fair that I should loose my mom because someone drunk and drove.I still wanted more time with her. It's two weeks later and I am still in disbelief and I am still sleepless and even angry I grieve but slowly.

Oct 22

The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and FaithThe Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith I am wondering right now if I am ready to write this. I have let it sit for a week trying to find the words. My Mom and I were headed home from Pascagoula.. They have been working on the roads lately and they had the lanes closed. I just remember waiting looking at traffic. The next thing I felt was a crash and tremendous pain.  Then my Mom fell over into my lap. Her eyes were open. I knew she was dead then. Next thing I know  people were pulling  me out of the car. I looked back and saw the car was in flames.  I  heard someone cry very loudly. I didn't realise it was me. Next moments were a blur an I was at the hospital and everything hurt and I couldn't move.  After they were satisfied that  I had no internal bleed they called my Aunt and Godmother. The police came into the room and told me my Mom had died but I already knew that. I stayed at the hospital overnight but later a detective  came into my room told me we had been hit by a drunk driver. I was angry to say to the least. We buried her yesterday and I can't believe she is gone even though I was there to witness it.

Boxes

  I wonder what makes us human beings want to put everything in a box. Everything must be some sort of category: Male/Female, Gay/Straight/, Black/White, Democrat/ Republican. What does that have to do with anything. It's dangerous to put people in boxes. You have a bad experience with one person it doesn't mean they all people behave in that manner. Everyone is an individual we aren't all the same. People are always changing."I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

  The only thing I would add to that is sexual preference.  Lately a lot of young gay people have committed suicide  because of bullies and the world we live in. It's no need for that. Why do people feel so threatened that  this must bully.  Whatever some one's sexual preference  has nothing to do with them as person. Do you really thing a person who choose to be gay in this world. It's getting better but it has a long way to go, Do you think someone who choose to hear about how they are going to hell all that time. I think that some people choose to act straight or hide themselves because of how society views them. I think that people  should be able to be with whomever they want want to be as long as it is not a child. Who are we to tell other people who to love and who they can bring in their bedroom. We shouldn't be the judge and executioner." Judge unless ye be judged measure for measure."
   

Jobless

 I am not sure that jobless is a real word but let me tell you it is a real state of being. I think when you  have a job you take it for granted. Hey it's a job and your doing your hours another day and another dollar. Some days you tell yourself ahh I don't want to go to work today. Maybe your job isn't challenging or maybe it is  your job is too stress full,  but when you lose your job then you missed what you had.
    I have been out of work since the end of  July. I had previously been working in South Korea as an ESL teacher for  3 years. I came back for funeral and I came back because I was just tired of Korea. I  have been looking for job since I arrived here. I had to go through some health problems first which I have already  mentioned in previous blogs. Since I have been have way health I have been looking but there doesn't seem to be much available on the Mississippi Gulf Coast.  The Coast has had the biggest oil spill ever and jobs have gone with the spill. My problem  is that I have that most of my work experience is overseas teaching experience. I am not certified to teach here. I have applied for MacDonald's and no call. I have applied for various jobs and I haven't heard a thing and meanwhile back at the ranch I have no money. I am even thinking about returning to Korea but I don't want to do that. I miss having a job to complain about.  If I ever find a job again I will be grateful just to have it.

Is dating dead?

 Now that I am practically single if not legally yet I have been thinking about the whole dating game. If your go into any chat room then you would think dating is dead. So many people have gotten burned it's more disaster stories than happy endings.
    When you have gotten burned you don't really want to put that effort into at least that is what I hear from guys on the net. They want the sex but they don't want to deal with anything emotional. I saw one lady in a chat room talking about I guy sent her a message saying he was looking to date someone, but he would not go out on a date with her unless sex was guaranteed. How do you guarantee sex and you haven't met the person yet. He demanded that there would be sex. I am thinking to myself what happen to a dinner and movie and maybe a kiss on the first date. It seems to me that a lot of people are just physical and nothing else goes on.  I am grown woman and I am not knocking sex but I think sex is better if you at least trying to form some kind of emotional bond if one doesn't then eventually one will get bored and then move on. Do people really want to sleep with tons of people. It's not even younger people the ages varies.  There are older men than my father just out looking for something physical.   There are married men who are not satisfied at home and they are out  looking for extra. A lot of people not all people feel a need to work at a relationship but still they want the rewards.
    I am guessing  that I am going to be a cat lady. I am not going to settle for just anybody. I been there and done that and know not to do that again. I am want the whole thing not just a part. If I have to wait or it never happens that's all right. I can do bad by myself and I can make it alone. It maybe be and like 20 cats but you get the point.

Healthcare

  I have been taking my time writing the next blog because I couldn't think of what  I wanted to write. I thought about health care because lately I have  had to use the current system. When I was pregnant I got the chance to be on medicaid. It worked out great for me since I had no insurance after being in South Korea for 3 years. Since I am not pregnant any more the medicaid will only last another month. I am a little bit worried since I developed blood clots while I was pregnant.  I am on blood thinners and pain medicine now. I haven;t found a job yet so I am not sure what I am going do after I have no insurance at all.

  While I was in Korea I saw debates on health care and I couldn't believe people didn't want health care. I  owe the hospital a lot of money and I was insured for most of it. I still couldn't pay because insurance did not cover everything. Medical costs are unbelievable.  Today if you go to the emergency room it will cost over 600 dollars and some people have no choice but to go to the ER. The ER will treat you  even if you don't have insurance but regular doctors do not. A regular doctor visit will cost you 100 dollars or more if you don not have insurance. Yes, there are some clinics that are cheaper but they are few. 
 I don't not thing the health care plan went far enough, but at least it is some progress. I wished it would have been universal health care. I don't care if it is socailist  or not but everyone deserves health care. This is American not some third world country but people die here because they can't get the help that they need.

Keep yah head up

Greatest Hits  I was listening to  Stevie Wonder's "Overjoyed" and I thought remember when songs had good lyrics. I making myself feel old when I say they don't music like they use to but they don't. I like nonsense songs  too but I wish we had more songs that meant something. Remember when Tupac song  "Keep Yah head up"  One of my favorite lines is trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents.  That never gets old. The same things he raps about is still going on today. Everyone is struggling. It's hard to to keep your head up and have a positive attitude. I do all I can to get up in the morning an not be depressed. I am not the only one. I know it is kind of cliche but we all have a crosses to bare. I think we fall down a lot and sometimes we want to lay  there and somertimes we do lie their on the ground and try to figure out how we are going to get up one more time. I don't know how  but most of the time we get back up and continue on. We will no doubt fall many times but we get up again and move forward. Here are the lyrics to "Keep yah head up"

Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
Tupac cares, if don't nobody else care
And uhh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot
When you come around the block brothas clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up

[Chorus]

Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier
ooooo child things'll
get brighter [2x]

[Verse Two:]

Aiyyo, I remember Marvin Gaye, used to sing ta me
He had me feelin like black was tha thing to be
And suddenly tha ghetto didn't seem so tough
And though we had it rough, we always had enough
I huffed and puffed about my curfew and broke the rules
Ran with the local crew, and had a smoke or two
And I realize momma really paid the price
She nearly gave her life, to raise me right
And all I had ta give her was my pipe dream
Of how I'd rock the mic, and make it to tha bright screen
I'm tryin to make a dollar out of fifteen cents
It's hard to be legit and still pay tha rent
And in the end it seems I'm headin for tha pen
I try and find my friends, but they're blowin in the wind
Last night my buddy lost his whole family
It's gonna take the man in me to conquer this insanity
It seems tha rain'll never let up
I try to keep my head up, and still keep from gettin wet up
You know it's funny when it rains it pours
They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor
Say there ain't no hope for the youth and the truth is
it ain't no hope for tha future
And then they wonder why we crazy
I blame my mother, for turning my brother into a crack baby
We ain't meant to survive, cause it's a setup
And even though you're fed up
Huh, ya got to keep your head up

[Chorus]

[Verse Three:]

And uhh
To all the ladies havin babies on they own
I know it's kinda rough and you're feelin all alone
Daddy's long gone and he left you by ya lonesome
Thank the Lord for my kids, even if nobody else want em
Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I'm sure
And if you fall, stand tall and comeback for more
Cause ain't nuttin worse than when your son
wants to kno why his daddy don't love him no mo'
You can't complain you was dealt this
hell of a hand without a man, feelin helpless
Because there's too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless
While da tears, is rollin down your cheeks
Ya steady hopin things don't fall down this week
Cause if it did, you couldn't take it, and don't blame me
I was given this world I didn't make it
And now my son's getten older and older and cold
From havin the world on his shoulders
While the rich kids is drivin Benz
I'm still tryin to hold on to my survivin friends
And it's crazy, it seems it'll never let up, but
please... you got to keep your head up
  

Chatting

When I first started chatting I was in college it . It was exciting to talk to someone without having to leave your house. I attended a small  University and we were kind of bored at night  there wasn't any place to go but Walmart. It was a way to talk to people at other universities. It was new so it wasn't that many people on it not every one had a computer in their homes at the time either.

  Flash foward to today and just about everyone has at least access to computer. It is not how it used to be at all. People used to be friendlier. Now people go into chat room to talk about or push their religion. People go on to talk about their racist views. It is for most away to express themselves with impunity.

I go into chat rooms and the first thing I hear is ASL. Which is age, sex, and location.  Web cams are so popular now they also want to know do you have a cam. Cams are bad.  If you are female someone will always want to see you nude and they will always want to show you their manhood. I am like sorry I don't want to see your penis.  Next,  a lot of men are just looking for easy sex. Now if you can get through all of that  you  can find some decent conversation somewhere. If not chatting is aways a good way to find a laugh.

My Rules to Internet dating.

We live in the world of PC's. I know I spent most of the day on one. I watch tv on it. I listen to music and of course I write my personal feelings on it. Last but not least I have dated using the glorious net.  After much trial and error I have some rules to dating. 

1. First see a picture better yet see a webcam.
2. Make sure the person wants to date you and not hook up with  you.
3. Get a phone number and talk until you feel comfortable.
4. Meet in a public place and go in your own car.
5. Enjoy.

I just want to give you a little side note for number 2.  Please be very careful about making sure what the person expects when you meet at lot of people these days are just in it to find sex and they don't want anything else. FWB..  if you don't know that is Friends with benefits. FB... is just  F--k buddy. NSA.. no strings attached. Make sure you are clear for what your expectations are.

Friday 13th

 On the Thursday night before I thought wow I am really having gas pain on my left side. The pain kept getting worse but I didn't think that it was anything serious. I went to lunch with my aunt. I bought a coke and though If I can burb I will be allright. It felt better for a while especially after my shower.

 At almost 10 pm the pain got so bad that I could not even sit down. I couldn't breath without pain. I could barely even move. I woke my mom up and told her we have to go the emergency room. It took me about 10 minutes to get in the car because I had more pain when I sat. I had to sit on the front part of the seat just so I could get into the car. I arrived at the ER and I was angry because they wanted me to answer all of these questions but I couldn't even breath. They put oxygen on me and it took forever to see a doctor. I saw one doctor then they changed me to another one. Never once did they give me anything for pain.  The doctor said you need to have CT scan because I think you may have a blood clot. I got a scan and I had one in my lung. I found at later that clots were in both of my lungs and my legs. I spent 24 hrs in SICU and then spent 3 more days in the hospital. Currently I am on blood thinners and here is some information about  PE.
A pulmonary embolism (PE) is a blood clot in the lung. It usually comes from smaller vessels in the leg, pelvis, arms, or heart. When a clot forms in the legs or arms, it is referred to as a deep venous thrombosis (DVT).
The clot travels through the vessels of the lung continuing to reach smaller vessels until it becomes wedged in a vessel that is too small to allow it to continue farther. The clot gets wedged and prevents any further blood from traveling to that section of the lung.
When no blood reaches a section of the lung, that portion of the lung suffers an infarct, meaning it dies because no blood or oxygen is reaching it. This is referred to as a pulmonary (or lung) infarct.

What not to say when someone has a miscarriage

The Gift"You can always have another."They don't want another baby, they want this baby.

"Now you have an angel looking after you."
They don't want an angel, they want their baby back.

"It's for the best."
Best for whom?

"At least you didn't know your baby."
Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.

"There must have been something wrong..."
Wrong with me?

"Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?
Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby?

"I understand how you feel."
Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely.

"Have you ever thought of not having children?"
Yes, I probably have. I realize that I may never be a mother.

"Be grateful for the children you have..."
It isn't a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what I have.

Things to say:

• "I'm sorry."
• "What can I do to help?"
• "I'm here for you."

I got this list from  About.com. There are others out there with similar phrases. I read them all after I had a miscarriage. It really didn't help me but it gave me something to do and it let me know that I wasn't alone out there and other people have the same feelings. They say time heals all. I am just waiting.

Miscarriage

First, of all I had to look the word up to see if I had spelled it correctly. Why would you even want to even want to ever spell it in the first place. Most people don't want to think about it but it happens. Unfortunately it happend to me. My first time ever being pregnant and I had to have that happen.
It started off not even simple. I had to go through rounds of infertility tests and I even had a surgery to remove some uterine fibroids. After I was healed I tried to get pregnant naturally that failed so I went to the doctor at CHA Hospitial in Seoul. I went through a couple of weeks of giving myself shots in the stomach to ovulate. They did a egg retrival and then 3 days later put 3 fertlized eggs and then I waited a couple of weeks later I was told that one was successful. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I always felt a little uncomfortable about it like something was going to happen.
I got through one month. I felt more comfortable and thought more about the future. Then I started having problems with my knee at least I thought it was my knee. At the same time I also figured out that I didn't want to be married any more. It just wasn't working out. You can't stay married to person your not in love with. It was followed by arguements about getting a divorce every other day. I was working too and that wasn't going well working in pain. Then my grandfather died and I decided to go home. I was in some pain through that whole flight. I thought wow I really need knee surgery.

I got home went to the furneral. A couple of weeks later on Friday the 13th. I had bad pain in my left lung. Finally, that night I went to the hospital. They told me I needed to get a catscan but they would shield the fetus. I said ok. Then they told me had a blood clot in my lung. Later I found out I had blood clots in both my lungs. They put me in SICU I stayed there for 24 hours and they put me on blood thinners. I was so happy whenever I could breath. They took an ultrasound that Friday the baby was fine.
I went back two weeks later to get another ultrasound and they told me after I had to jump through hoops that I had a diminished fetus in other words it died and they don't know the cause of it. The doctor told me I needed to grieve and that I was going to have to have it surgerically removed. I had to wait another week before I could have it removed. I had to have this baby that was no more in me. I felt and still do that it wasn't fair for my first time. I had to deal with so much in so little time. People gave all kinds of advice that didn't work. I will post not what to say later.